Age Verification Requirements

[Moonface]

At Universal Gaming, we know that in-game chat lobbies and the interwebs can be a dangerous place where someone might insult EL's mother. While the jury is still out on whether such insults are warranted, there are also concerns about what impact discussing Mario cruising enemies beneath his feet, Kirby committing acts of vore, or Spyro using his dragon background as an excuse for chemical warfare, can have on our forum users. 

Therefore, we are requiring everyone to verify that their age is greater than 3+ years. This is the minimum requirement that PEGI and ESRB have in place for any video game, and with the anonymity of the Internet there is no way for us to know for sure that any of you here are actually old enough to discuss and play games such as those mentioned prior.

We could look at how long your account has been registered here, but that would be a smart thing something like Discord would do, not us. We could also look at your writing, but we know your parents probably wrote all your posts just like they did all your homework until ChatGPT mercilessly took that job from them. 

Age verification will be carried out by providing us with your home address so we can personally visit you and procure a DNA sample to have it carbon dated by our trustworthy partner Umbrella Corporation.

Users who fail to verify they are older than 3 years of age shall be placed into The Crib, where you will be watched over by our probably rabies free airlock raccoons.

[Mr EliteL]

Discord, smart? Well, perhaps that still make them smarter than us. *shot*

Also may I add, depending on the severity of the case if DNA fails in any way, we'll have to hand you over to Alistair, our new resident Space Alligator if Umbrella Corp does not wish to further deal with the issue. Yes, we have many methods.

[Moonface]

Discord, smart? Well, perhaps that still make them smarter than us. *shot*

If nothing else, they're at least smart enough to not have a typo:

 . . . Mario cruising enemies beneath his feet . . .

Also may I add, depending on the severity of the case if DNA fails in any way, we'll have to hand you over to Alistair, our new resident Space Alligator if Umbrella Corp does not wish to further deal with the issue. Yes, we have many methods.

Excuse me, but just what exactly is wrong with the tried and tested probably-rabies-free airlock raccoons? Just for that maybe I should use you as an example and get your DNA first.

[Mr EliteL]

Nothing wrong with our lovable raccoons at all. We just have multiple ways of removing undesirable inconveniences for our own amusement. That and...I may have nearly run out of feeding morsels.

[ShiraNoMai]

Discord, smart? Well, perhaps that still make them smarter than us. *shot*

If nothing else, they're at least smart enough to not have a typo:

 . . . Mario cruising enemies beneath his feet . . .

Listen, have you not played the hit racing series "Cruisin' Mario USA"? Classic arcade racer, should definitely give it a go sometime.

[Moonface]

Discord, smart? Well, perhaps that still make them smarter than us. *shot*

If nothing else, they're at least smart enough to not have a typo:

 . . . Mario cruising enemies beneath his feet . . .

Listen, have you not played the hit racing series "Cruisin' Mario USA"? Classic arcade racer, should definitely give it a go sometime.

I don't know if you were intentionally making a loose reference here but there is actually a game called Cruis'n USA.

[Karo]

At Universal Gaming, we know that in-game chat lobbies and the interwebs can be a dangerous place where someone might insult EL's mother. While the jury is still out on whether such insults are warranted, there are also concerns about what impact discussing Mario cruising enemies beneath his feet, Kirby committing acts of vore, or Spyro using his dragon background as an excuse for chemical warfare, can have on our forum users. 

Therefore, we are requiring everyone to verify that their age is greater than 3+ years. This is the minimum requirement that PEGI and ESRB have in place for any video game, and with the anonymity of the Internet there is no way for us to know for sure that any of you here are actually old enough to discuss and play games such as those mentioned prior.

We could look at how long your account has been registered here, but that would be a smart thing something like Discord would do, not us. We could also look at your writing, but we know your parents probably wrote all your posts just like they did all your homework until ChatGPT mercilessly took that job from them. 

Age verification will be carried out by providing us with your home address so we can personally visit you and procure a DNA sample to have it carbon dated by our trustworthy partner Umbrella Corporation.

Users who fail to verify they are older than 3 years of age shall be placed into The Crib, where you will be watched over by our probably rabies free airlock raccoons.

 Finally after all this time they'll finally catch onto my deep hidden secret that I am not actually human, but am two parrots in a labcoat who are of course above the age of 3 allegedly, but we shall wait until the DNA test come back to be sure.

[Moonface]

Darn, I looked up how long a parrot can live for to see if I could use that against you about being 3+ years old, only to learn parrots can shockingly live for up to 80 years!